Tuesday, April 6, 2010

so as the thought of moving to san fran has come up i've come to the conclusion that maybe it is a time for a change. even if only for a while. life is amazing right now. but i have so much more to give than being stuck in a rut in one place. i feel somewhat trapped and comfortable- almost content.

i'm working on my full length album for "theHOPEsymphony"
as of right now the title and album is a summation of all that i have learned the past couple of months. with the stages of grief (which i can finally say i have reached the end of) but i thought it necessary to reflect on the ideas to solidify the thoughts.

"This Fire in my Lungs, This Uneasy Feeling of Desolation"
1. Loss of Words
2. The Fault Line
3. The Silent Exchange of Words
4. The Grave. The Lake. The Confessional
5. An Unfamiliar Warmth
6. The Reconstruction of Glass Castles
7. Hope in the Eyes of an Orphan

i am done with 3 tracks (or at least for the most part) but hopefully i can finish this off before the summer. it seems most of my friends are going through a lot of different stresses.

life is good. not in a sarcastic way. life is amazing and although trials come and go, it always works out for the best. this past week has been amazing. i have forgotten how amazing it is to meet new people and break out of my comfort zone.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

this weekend no matter how short has been the best weekend in months. i was able to see my family for a couple of hours but completely worth it. i have realized that over the past couple of months who actually has been there for me in my time of need and really who hasn't (obviously through actions and words).

it's been a long time coming and i have seriously never feel as loved as i do when i am with them.

life is good. everything in the right time at the right place. no need to worry. it has put so much in perspective.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Beginning of the End of all Things

The other night i had a long talk with a good friend about how to blow off some steam. She suggested a blog. I fully agreed. So with that being said i started a pointless blog about nothing.

In light of current circumstances, I have never been happier in my life (although i question what that happiness really entails). And although i have been screwed over by some of my trusted peers (one of which i thought would never lie or deceive me)- i figure i can't rely on anyone to have the same capacity for morality or maturity (not stating that i am in any way "better" than that idea- but in a sense that I would never have thought anyone in my current circle of people i talk to would have the capacity to do such things). People change. Life goes on and people learn. Some of us have to learn the hard way i guess. In this situation I can definitely say my heart has gotten slightly more callused to the idea of trust.

The positive end of this is that- when you are too close to the situation you can't see it for what it really is. In this case I would say that everything that has come to light was already there, but i lied to myself. I don't miss the person (seeing as they aren't the person i thought they were) but i would say i miss who i was with the person. I can't say i am not angry about the situation (which is understandable) but i am not bitter. Better to find out now that they are completely different rather than waste my time on something that should have never have been. (i realize how harsh that sounds- but in some senses it is true. Although i don't think anything is a "waste of time" but the ends don't justify the means- at least for now). Although i do care dearly about the person and wish them the best i realize there is no point of trying to be there for them seeing as 1. they aren't listening 2. they have lied openly in my face and 3. they have their mind made up even before things went "down".

This is definitely a life lesson i haven't fully grasped quite yet, and the emotions i am experiencing seem to overwhelm me but i can honestly say- thank god it didn't go any further.

An objective look at things (although i would still say i am biased) has really opened my eyes and the further i distance myself the more i can learn and not make the same mistakes i did and not be fooled by false pretenses.

I was told once that "my reality is not everyone else's reality" and in this situation I have tried to be sympathetic to that idea. I don't really know how to describe my frustrations or even the anger that course through me but I think all in all everything in my life is going through a process. Right now, it is the right time to move on and understand that things happen for a reason.

Two birds on a wire.

So with that being said I have currently decided to start looking for a "big boy" job in New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles. I need a full time job to sustain the company i hope to work for (for) the rest of my life. I feel so far behind my peers (no degree, no career, no family... etc.). But in every sense i am excited for the possibilities of growth. The past 2 years seems to have been spent on worrying and pleasing others. But now, now i need to go out and make something of my life. I am not running away anymore and i need to face the new day.

On a lighter note- Jonsi (of Sigur Ros) has an album that has made me insanely happy called "Go"

haha wow, this blog sounds just like a ton of bitching and full of "downer material".
I figure I should probably decide a real purpose for this blog.